Mental Health anxiety with a side of blogosphere

Self-talk to center

I believe in God and....

...making anxiety worse?

 
Meander past radio item about anthropologist of religion Tanya Luhrmann's study of schizophrenia in different cultures. Her samples are not large but the results make one want to hear more: in the US schizophrenics with auditory hallucinations hear voices that are hostile, negative, condemnatory. In India, the voices are relatives telling the schizophrenics to clean up and get to work.

Never mind voices. Or bear with a digression about all the mechanical and recorded voices RantWoman gets to deal with and just go back to self-talk: Quit procrastinating with eccentric physics videos such as 5 things not to do with a particle accelerator and Models acting up. (Financial models.)

 

Now the main reading that spawned this post: an article from the Atlantic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/08/when-prayer-makes-anxiety-worse/376002/

 

RantWoman would characterize the above article as an extended abstract of article from Sociology of Religion.

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://www.baylorisr.org/wp-content/uploads/Sociology-of-Religion-2014-Ellison-208-33.pdf

As an aside, RantWoman noted comments in the Atlantic about Hinduism and wonders after reading about half the Sociology of Religion article whether it worked wwith multiple faiths and in what terms to test the basic point. RantWoman takes the basic point to be addressing whether the language of one's faith reduces or increases anxiety. RantWoman did not getthe whole article read and it remains on RantWoman’s mean to read list.

 

RantWoman was reading late at night. Whatever RantWoman did brain was going to stop processing what is essentially table information read in a stream by screen reader. In lieu of falling asleep, RantWoman let mind wander to matters of mental health professional and talking of matters of faith.

 

RantWoman changed practitioners about a year ago. Former Practitioner is of same faith tradition as RantMom and Little Sister (and RantWoman, sort of.) This meant that sometimes Former Practitioner "got" things about the RantFamily really fast and in terms RantWoman did not have to filter. But it also meant that after awhile Former Practitioner could get a little stuck on the very same things RantWoman was getting stuck about:

--We agree that RantWoman is basically highly sane and functional but something is stuck and we are not getting unstuck so what needs to be different.

--Well if you just pray harder….

--RantMom’s Energizer Bunny “If you just keep going and going” outlook.

--People around me are doing nutty and dysfunctional things but I am NOT clear just to go find some new people for one thing because just possibly I need to figure out MY dysfunctions and new people will not necessarily help. Reminding RantWoman about how vexatious matters of one’s faith community are really is no help.  RantWoman is VERY clear she needs a faith community and is willing to live with…

 

But let’s face it: explaining the basics of one’s faith community can get tiresome. Even worse, if one talks about God telling them to read the yellow pages or that someone’s necktie just feels spiritually heavy, LOTS of practitioners might start thinking psychosis and anti-psychotic medications. And we won’t even talk about trying to read George Fox’s journal without wanting to stick on some mental health diagnosis!

So far, RantWoman is grateful for a sense of some progress.

--New practitioner notices things like when RantWoman’s eye drop regimen makes her eyes redder than usual. Pollen, sleep deprivation, and new manufacturers all seem to be on point. Nothin obvious to do about the last but being noticed is peculiarly connecting.

--New practitioner asked RantWoman for a list of books about blindness. New Practitioner sounded interested. RantWoman is unsure whether she has gotten anything read but appreciates being asked anyway.

--Practitioner seems to listen well and also to push thoughtfully. Maybe enough said.

 

Now another problem: RantWoman does not remember whether the subject of blogs has come up. If so, RantWoman suspects she has shared only one; the second would be finable by following info in RantWomans profile but should RantWoman be more explicit about point the way even if it never gets read? RantWoman suspects there is a whole semester worth of ethical consierations entangled in that reflection and is meditating about what to do with…

Arrrrgggh! RantWoman will you please bleeping stick to ONE topic?

Look, this is blog as Quaker journal, electronic scribbling. When has RantWoman EVER proised complete polish> IF anything, this raggedy notebook is like throwing conceptual spaghetti at the wall. RantWOman would not mind hearing that something has resonance or seems ripe for further interrogation….. Right, and maybe RantWoman will go back to reading her book of Nadine Gordimer essays and see what housecleaning they generate…

A BMW in the Parking Lot???

After a somewhat recent meeting of the Woolman Reading Group, Seeker Friend, wide-eyed: RantWoman, speaking of superfluities, today there  was a BMW in the parking lot!

(RantWoman, under breath) Friend, tend to thine own superfluities!

RantWoman does not know a lot about BMW’s but does have a general impression that BMW’s, as is usual for German cars, are very fuel-efficient. Beyond that, RantWoman does not pay a great deal of attention to what is parked in the Meeting parking lot. For one thing, RantWoman is used to arriving at Meeting on the chauffeur-driven limousines operated by king county Metro., supplemented by her own feet.

 RantWoman quite likes this mode of transportation:

--Exercise. Did anyone mention exercise? And Fresh air? And Nature?

--The vehicles are generally the biggest passenger vehicles on the road.

--Leg room and seat height.

--Unbeatable cast.

--Never any shortage of “Time to Pray” moments!

Should RantWoman elaborate?

But the other point, RantWoman lives in a neighborhood where there is just far too much gunfire. RantWoman generally feels safe but still finds the gunfire problematic. For example one evening recently, Little Sister and Irrepressible Nephew were headed home from a nearby bus stop. They came upon some kind of a police investigation: two BMW’s driving along shooting at each other.  What a waste! By comparison, driving a BMW to Meeting seems almost holy!

 So, um, yeah, Wide-eyed Friend, Tend to thine own superfluities!

Rafeef Ziadah on Palestine, Israel and justice

RantWoman likes how the Finnish journalist does, to RantWoman's ear, a decent job of asking intelligent questions that draw out the story. Then he talks about trying to be balanced and Raffeef lectures him about just letting her tell her story instead of putting the story in his terms. More of same in this wonderful spoken word piece.

http://rantwoman.blogspot.com/2014/08/rafeef-ziadah-we-teach-life-sir-london.html

RantWoman further admits to being very grateful not to live in Gaza and to want to try to grab as much courage, centeredness and focus and capacity to smile and try again as she can from these stories. Readers are advised, this is still RantWoman we are talking about. Please hold Gaza in the Light in the meantime.

Tim Hawkins: "Free Bird" Climate Change; Chilling Out. Self Care.

Readers who just want to hear comedian Tim Hawkins do "Free Bird," feel free to scroll to the video start.

RantWoman guarantees, though, local groupies and people for whom RantWoman's name causes consternation will get a little more out of "Free Bird" if they first muster a teeny tiny bit of time for another visit to Planet RantWoman and reasons Tim Hawkins makes RantWoman smile:

"If my wife ever leaves, I am going with her."

admiring how his wife multitasks, "Honey, could you watch the kids for an hour? I'm trying to make toast!"

And while RantWoman is seasoning how to deal with further needed discernment about climate change and Quakers, something RantWoman remembers basically as "God gave us a beautiful planet and all, but some of y'all need to chill out."

God, make up your mind, which is it: "chill out" or go on some more about Climate Change and RantWoman having to put her Recording Clerk foot down on a conference call and say "Friends we are not at unity," write thorough minutes of exercise, and now see where things go from there. For now, RantWoman has decided that listening to this version of Free Bird, even listening into absurdly wee hours constitutes self care.

Lomi Lomi Massage: one of RantWoman's inspirations

ROOTS AND WINGS. UFM member Barbara Helynn Heard has written a short spiritual essay

about her own inner work and how this work has influenced her massage practice. She

ROOTS AND WINGS. UFM member Barbara Helynn Heard has written a short spiritual essay about her own inner work and how this work has influenced her massage practice. She specifically reflects on her Quaker roots and native Hawaiian spiritual wings. Read it here:
http://www.lomilomi-massage.org/blog-roots-wings.html.

specifically reflects on her Quaker roots and native Hawaiian spiritual wings. Read it here:

http://www.lomilomi-massage.org/blog-roots-wings.html.

The Times They Are a Changin - Odetta

RantWoman is all over back to school time warp / inter temporal wormholes but not necessarily into offering breadcrumbs for every twisting free association pathway. Figuring out the pathways is left to the reader, as homework.

Today's dimensions: Odetta. Dylan. Odetta doing Dylan. Teachers. Internet ephemera. Odetta at the Garrison Institute.




Some wisps of teacher remembrances with less wispy text options lost in the demise of one online service.   http://rantwoman.blogspot.com/2009/07/retirements.html

Correlation does not equal causation: the office computer

Bless you oh God for the discussion of confidentiality that crawled out of efforts to review minutes at our most recent Meeting for Business. Friends were trying to review minutes and a whole set of new minutes of exercise emerged. RantWoman notes that the new minutes of exercise emerging during review of minutes situation has occurred several times over the last coule years and will file that observation for further action. What is not happening about how business is conducted? What is not happening about how minutes get recorded?

 RantWoman is writing here of topics which MIGHT merit confidentiality. They Might, but RantWoman in a spirit of complete Love and Truth is clear that pieces belong in public! The specific RantWoman sticking with an issue and not just getting out of the way situation discussed here has in fact come up very obliquely in Meeting for business. But since recent Meeting for Business norms have not included a lot of people feeling able to ask questions about even more basic assumptions, the fact that oblique reference to RantWoman’s help went winging by at the time simply gets noted and RantWoman gets to continue to be true to her Light. And RantWoman does not apologize: if the flow of RantWoman’s Light is not clear to others, all RantWoman can do is invite Friends to ask RantWoman to expand which ever thread rises ….

 RantWoman has only been standing aside from every Worship andMinistry Roster since she got thrown off the committee. This year, RantWoman was clear also to stand aside from the Care and Counsel roster. Can you say overachieving about interpersonal conflict????

 RantWoman has only been screaming Owwwwwww more by email than otherwise for a really long time. Owwwww for specific issues. Owwww because RantWoman is surrounded by people who expect people to always be able to say Owwww in polite easily digestible nibbles. Owww because of wonky eyeballs and life twitches RantWoman really would not mind not needing space for in the first place. Owwww just because. So now Care and Counsel committee has tasked a committee to talk to RantWoman about …Meeting for Business. Separate tirade available about other layers of Meeting life, but start where we are!

 The committee tasked with talking to RantWoman about Meeting for Business asked questions about trust, about whether RantWoman will live with business meeting’s decisions. Ummm, dissertation in progress. Another Friend asked a question that caused RantWoman’s mind to wander near the point that correlation does not equal causation. Then RantWoman began to shake again.

During this year’s nomination season, RantWoman collided again with memories of one Friend whining that “it’s not good for the community” when something goes on in public and RantWoman had not been clear to try to communicate with that Friend about matters less visible. RantWoman can specify from information referenced in this blog post but encourages readers just to stick with the current item for now.

http://rantwomanrsof.blogspot.com/2014/06/high-conflict.html

 Is the shaking a panic attack? Is it Quakerly quaking about needing to speak Truth? Is it just sleep deprivation?

 Ummm,

 Correlation does not equal causation.

 And…

 Consider an episode involving Conflict is a Gift of God Friend, use of the computer in the Meeting office, and comments out of the mouth of said Friend indicating that he was probably driving the office manager CRAZY and could not fathom that possibility. RantWoman listened to a long spell of these comments and found occasion to speak to the office manager” would it help if…?”

 

Office Manager Friend sighed deeply in relief: the entire confirming conversation took less than a minute.. RantWoman THINKS but does not remember that this got reported either to the Clerk or to another topical committee and shortly Friends found ways to detach Conflict is a Gift of God Friend from the office computer, change some system administration practices, and possibly take other measures RantWoman never felt any need to know about in detail.

 RantWoman thinks the measures were effective. For one thing, she fielded whining about them from Conflict is a Gift of God Friend. For another, the office manager was GREATLY relieved. For a third, Conflict is a Gift of God Friend has over time SLOWLY, SLOWLY worked out more appropriate ways to ensure that he has the tools he needs without relying on the office computer. Hold that progression and the support and accountability committee for his ministry in the Light!

 The further  correlation does not equal causation part? This was all shortly before the entire saga of Conflict is a Gift of God Friend and RantWoman and Worship and Ministry. Please hold all of this in the Light, for one thing because RantWoman has further dissertation to pen.

Quaker Process for Friends on the Benches

Rats! RantWoman has little excuse NOT to read a book!

At NPYM Annual Session, "everyone" was raving about a chapter on email in a book called Quaker Process for Friends on the Benches by Mathilda Navias.

RantWoman and the Still Didn't Get the Memo Committee on Email Immoderation are trying AGAIN to get a better handle on various communications matters. RantWoman registered that the chapter on email in this book would probably be useful and was all set to rant and whine and howl and yowl and generally throw a snit fit about the book not being available in electronic format.

Today...RantWoman put the author and title into the search engine of her choice and discovered ...ta-da!...that the book is indeed available on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Quaker-Process-Friends-Benches-Mathilda/dp/0977951146

It's $22.50!

But it's available on Amazon and RantWoman is probably going to have to put her money where her mouth is about authors earning fair compensation for their work.RantWoman is just going to have to fork over some money out of her funky Blind-o-nomics will work very intermittently for gift cards gift card balance. RantWoman means to read the book.

RantWoman means to see about assimilating its contents. RantWoman wants to know whether anyone else from her Meeting is interested in reading it with her. But RantWoman DOES NOT PROMISE anything except vigorous engagement with the contents!

Hold sundry problems in the Light.
RantWoman

Busness Meeting Equality Transformation

A dialogue of sorts:

 

Hi RantWoman

The short pamphlet I mentioned yesterday is available online, although not as a pdf. This is called, When Friends Attend to Business… concise discussion of  the preparation for and conduct of business meeting. I'm interested in your opinion of both form (accessibility) and content.

http://www.pym.org/publications/pym-pamphlets/when-friends-attend-to-business/

 

 

RantWoman’s first pass reply (Warning: gentler than the second pass, post pending) 

Hi Friend,

Here are some links I am chewing on:

A Quaker Speak item RantWoman saved for just such moments

http://rantwomanrsof.blogspot.com/2014/08/how-quakers-make-decisions-quaker-speak.html

from the Ben Pink Dandelion Swarthore lecture at Britain Yearly Meeting Annual Gathering this year. He does not exactly talk about business meeting but I have been chewing on various points

https://www.woodbrooke.org.uk/news.php/412/2014-swarthmore-lecture-ben-pink-dandelion-to-call-for-a-return-to-a-transforming-and-transformation

 The Youtube video of the lecture:

http://youtu.be/oRO-lGD9emM

 Also topical George Gorman Lecture at Britain YM Annual Gathering. Equality and…

http://youtu.be/-HJVUMtoy8o

 Love, RantWoman

 

PS. Oh, Do you maybe want some queries on RantWoman’s mind. Understand, RantWoman's capacity for generating queries is, um, a work in progress.
 

Thank you for asking about accessibility. How much of a conversation are you prepared yet to have either about this content or about the broader question of all the things that add up to accessibility and allow people of very different gifts to be fully present? RantWoman apologizes for an urge to harangue you but RantWoman has only been trying to have this conversation for.....so when you are ready to listen, as a whole body, able collectively to do more than anyone's individual dribs and drabs....

Are there Friends available for genuine seasoning or do we just say "Go away and have some nice pastoral care and please do not challenge our need to feel really good about ourselves or ask us to think?

Are our business meetings conducted in a spirit of openness where Friends feel able and free to ask questions?

Do we hear a range of voices or do the same 8 people speak to every topic?

Do our minutes record actual minutes of exercise and promote thoughtful reflection over time or do we boil every whiff of soul out of the discussion and record only the barest minimum of the discussion?

 
RantWoman would be very happy to supply illustrative commentary from a recent spell of minutes taking. RantWoman as recording clerk put her foot down: those present were clearly not at unity and important concerns needing further reflection were articulated. RantWoman was frightenly blunt about the "not at unity" issue but fed back both points where she thinks / wants to test a sense of unity and points where further exercise is needed. Stay tuned.

 

Weaving Our Strengths: Oct 4, Church Council of Greater Seattle Event

Weaving Our Strengths, October 4, 8:30-4, University Congregational UCC, sponsored by The Church Council of Greater Seattle: a day-long conference of ecumenical fellowship and inspiration to strengthen the efforts of Seattle congregations for the common good.
For complete info:
https://thechurchcouncil.ejoinme.org/?tabid=544536
Early Registration deadline August 29.

Quaker Speak: Who is Quaker Meeting For? with subtitles added in Russian

Special thanks to Sergei Grushko of Moscow Friends Meeting for adding the subtitles in Russian. To view the Russian text, click on the Closed captioning button and choose Russian from the combo box that appears.

Lummi Blessing Ceremony August 29: Our Shared Responsibility. The Land The Waters. The People.

Reprinted almost verbatim from this week's bulletin

Last October (RantWoman's Meeting: University Friends Meeting in Seattle)  adopted a minute supporting the Lummi Nation's treaty rights to the full enjoyment of their traditional fishing grounds at Cherry Point, Whatcom County, which is now threatened by plans to expand a coal export terminal there.

To further raise awareness of the dangerous impacts of coal and oil trains on all of our communities, the Lummi has embarked on a journey -- Our Shared Responsibility: the Land, the Waters and the People -- to empower and inform communities all along the rail line.

Lummi Nation elder and Master Carver Jewell James and the House of Tears Carvers have created a totem pole to stand in protection and blessing for Xwe’chi’eXen, Cherry Point. In support of this effort there will be a Blessing Ceremony on Friday, August 29, from 10:30 am to 12:30 pm at St Mark's Cathedral, 1245 10th Ave, Seattle. Everyone is invited to attend. The facebook link: https://www.facebook.com/events/753570788032799/

If Bad-Ass Nuns Ruled the World

Addition to RantWoman's endless mean to read list

If Bad-Ass Nuns Ruled the World

Superfluid helium

Superfluity a la Woolman?

Um, nooooo

Superfluidity! Awesome way to procrastinate and portal to a bunch of other videos on wacky esoteric physics concepts.

Gratitude for the vastness of the internet and for tools to connect with it....




The link for the full Absolute Zero documentary
http://youtu.be/y2jSv8PDDwA

Quaker speak: Why I Don't Wear a Tie in Court

Favorite comment: "I don't have time for a clearness committee."

RantWoman appreciates the reflection on issues women face.

Favorite theme to tug at: YouTube serves up alongside this something about surrendering the self.



RantWoman digression about hat honor and court:

At some point RantWoman means to read up specifically on the question of women and hats and hat honor. RantWoman suspects that, as with clothing, expectations are allover the map.

RantWoman wears a hat indoors because of glare.RantWoman recognizes that courthouses do not like hats for security reasons but if RantWoman were doing in-person interpreting and were known to the court, RantWoman would absolutely add to her standard intro speeches an item about a request to wear a hat if the glare were unbearable.

Gratitudes: Popcorn. Wolf Howls. Monday meditations

Monday gratitudes, in lieu of average Monday morning minister reflections:

RantWoman arrived at worship already well-fed spiritually and otherwise from Friend "Faithie's" memorial. Memorial was sooner after her death than Quakers sometimes do. "Faithie" has many children, nieces, nephews, grandchildren. There was much love, much energy.  Family nerves were a little achey and raw the way nerves sometimes are right after a death. In RantWoman's experience and observation at least, the being together is holy and sometimes also holy  sh*t at the same time. RantWoman would SO like it if she had ANY confidence that Worship and Ministry had any capacity to talk and think about these points. Hold that problem in the Light. Which problem? Lack of confidence? Lack of Capacity? (Sarcasm alert: further lacks deleted for now.)

Sister and Irrepressible Nephew were also on the bus to worship. Sister does much better when mobile; for that we thank new wheelchair. Irrepressible Nephew is on his way to another Camp with due gear in tow. Boring Square Auntie suggested that the backwards baseball cap and shades made him look like a juvenile delinquent. Irrepressible Nephew said his father says the same thing; he also did a thumbs up.

Yesterday Ministry of moving large muscles and banging things, also known as making coffee. Adhoc Adult Ed theme somehow related to #Ferguson MO events. RantWoman could not hear and closed do to bang more unobtrusively. Suspect some interesting discussion missed. Sigh. RantWoman offered thoughts particularly on tragedy and the Twitterverse later mixed in with Woolman.

A committee meeting that left RantWoman unsettled and grumpy. Grumpiness resolved when RantWoman found some more Be True to Your Light messages. Oh crap!
Poked head into worship for a few minutes at the end: The kids were there. There was a long message. There was some kid fidgeting but the room felt very gathered.
--The doorway was hot. The room was gathered in spite of a message that went on much longer than the 30 seconds RantWoman hears recommended. RantWoman decided God needed her more finishing the coffee prep and sitting by an open window.
--RantWoman heard reviews that mentioned popcorn but also that did not mention predictable themes from the news: #Ferguson #suicide Robin Williams, war disease and ecological stress everywhere. So what the heck DID they talk about? RantWoman is interested in the word "popcorn," her own sense of gathered worship, and a grumble RantWoman has heard before and will listen further for from a Friend who felt nourished by worship even though she also mentioned popcorn.
RantWoman is still going around asking people "SO, what did YOU make of closing worship at Annual Session?" This is turning out to be WAY more diverse and diverting than chatter about the TV show of the week.

The Association of Bad Friends group on Facebook.
--A little alarming recently to discover how many other people there are who find the idea of feeding hallucinogens to alligators deeply amusing.
--Not sure how to deal with firearms posts being a little to Bad Friend even for the Association of Bad Friends.
   --We in the West, we take our Second Amendment seriously. Look, a few years ago Missoula Friends did the Cows with Guns song for community night.
   --That photo of the wolf with a rifle that showed up the same week wildlife managemetn folks in northeastern WA shot the alpha female of a pack getting reestablished there.
   --Digression to wonderful Wolf Howl of God post in blog roll.
http://walkingthesea.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-wolf-howl-of-god.html
  --And the different kinds of ammo in the gumball machine? Where ELSE would one like to lock up one's ammo?
 --Oh dear, and did anyone mention guns and drug gangsters and ....?

Woolman reading group:
--Attendance was down because of conflict with a work party and other events sigh.
--Essay written by a Jesuit so very organized and clearly numbered points. Rich discussion. RantWoman did not say everything on her mind about the cross and crucifixion of the ego. RantWoman could get really fast to the phrase misogynist crap. Hold that and more nuanced theological terms for the thought in the Light. RantWoman thinks if we are to labor with that of God in everyone, keeping ego healthy has a lot to recommend it. But it's also possible RantWoman just needs different language for the same concept.
--Somehow the subject of physics and what a couple physicists did for their careers. RantWoman fessed up: one of her recent spiritual diversions was a Youtube video about "Don't eat the particle accelerator."
   --Hold in the conversation those "other" one is in dialogue with: the Indians at Wyalusing in Wooklman's journal, the voices of liberation theology, the conversations of Twitter, essays from nadine Gordimer about her relationships to different thoughts in trends among Africans.
--RantWoman sort of HOPES that being herself in Woolman group MIGHT plant some "don't tkake it personally" seeds about RantWoman communications quirks. Hold that thought in the light.

Dame Jocelyn Bell presents 2010 Newton Medal and winner gives a speech.

RantWoman snagged this one partly just because of the phrase "Dame Jocelyn Bell presents"

RantWoman finds Dr. Edward Witten's statements about peace in the Middle East and about his relationship to Judaism, um, interesting.

And RantWoman concedes that free associating with physics videos is an eccentric way to procrastinate.

Hallelujah, as rendered by Bridge City MM for NPYM 2014 Community Night

RantWoman notes without supplying details that a LARGE percentage of the individual Meeting / Worship group skits at NPYM 2014 Annual Session related somehow to worship.
One that did not was from Bridge City Monthly Meeting.

Hallelujah Epistle

Lyrics to the Bridge City "Hallelujah Epistle" performed at community night.
I.   We meet in Forest Grove this year
To greet dear Friends from far and near
While eating meals in tents upon the lawn, yeah
Those plastic forks
Thou shall not waste
Care for the earth,
we have embraced
They say we are a people quite peculiar
Hallalujah, Hallalujah
Hallalujah, Hallalujah

II.   We couldn’t connect to cyberspace
We had to resort to face to face
And put aside our personal computers
Release, return, receive, respond
Connecting with the great beyond
It turns out body prayer is pretty cool, yeah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

III. The building that
was last year’s Light
Had turned into a construction site,
And confusion worked its way right down into ya
Construction noise
Was bad at times
The thumps and bumps
And buzz saw whines,
Despite it all the Light just shined right through ya
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

IV.  Tom Rawson’s our presiding Clerk
No banjo, but he’s hard at work,
With dreams of fishing on the Calapooia
There were a few
long plenaries
Fast fading
in our memories
Like changes to the structure they put to ya
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

V.   So as we leave this Friendly place
We’re grateful for the love and grace
It’s not the accommodations that really drew ya
Deep worship and,
Good fellowship,
What’s not to like?
It’s worth the trip!
Come back to Annual Session it’ll renew ya!

Faith who insisted she had no faith

Faith who said she had no faith:
Memorial for Faith Adams, this afternoon

Faith is the second of the 12 people on RantWoman's mental list of seriously blind people in Meeting to kick the bucket, a MT phrase that Faith would probably enjoy.

Faith, as it happens, lived with her family for many years on a ranch near one of the small towns outside the "large" (70,000) city where RantWoman graduated from high school. RantWoman imagines the ranch as dry and dusty, rough in many ways, VERY down-to-earth.. This also described Faith, and RantWoman does not at all mean this in a negative way. RantWoman is very glad to hear from neighbors that, although Faith lost much vision and hearing, her frank directness and lovable gruffness never faded.

RantWoman is unclear how long Faith suffered from macular degeneration but remembers the last time Faith brought a display of her wonderful fabric art pieces to our Meeting's monthly art show. By that time, Faith still talked some of colors but between her vision and arthritis or other problems with her hands, she was doing less and less to create new works.

RantWoman got to know Faith mainly in connection with the Monroe Worship Group. This blog post is a decent history with notes about Faith citing her work with the Department of Corrections.
http://rantwomanrsof.blogspot.com/2011/08/old-directory-monroe-worship-group-at.html

RantWoman is unclear how long Faith worked for the WA Department of Corrections but remembers her being blunt both about the inertia of bureaucracy and the realities of different inmates' personalities and situations, including public perception in some cases.

What makes RantWoman smile most, though: Faith as she aged grew more outspoken about lack of faith, atheism, and her certainty that people who felt otherwise were just deluded. It would be very easy to be completely appalled about this certainty except that, in RantWoman's experience it takes considerable faithfulness even to maintain a facade of total unbelief. RantWoman would NEVER want to insult Faith by pointing this out though.

A webpage of Faith's fiber art
http://www.faithadamsart.com/

From Faith's artist statement

I have an esthetic that I believe quite passionately: art is human experience cast into the discipline of for, thus acquiring meaning.

World Of PeaceCraft - Thank you John Oliver

RantWoman supposes that with West Africa on fire with an Ebola outbreak, Russia and Ukraine mid-boundary clash, Gaza again in meltdown, and tens of thousand of refugee children streaming northward , not to mention hundreds of thousands of weapons streaming southward, just maybe POSSIBLY, the following item could be considered, um, tasteless!

Bring it on!



RantWoman is a little afraid things could be EVEN WORSE than this parody.

Also note: although some people can get addicted to Youtube videos, RantWoman is PRETTY sure that getting addicted to this particular video will be a lot harder than getting addicted to the video game it parodies. Let's hope!

Gender Odyssey: August 14-17, WA State Convention Center

Such is RantWoman's level of hipness (NOT!) that she only just today heard of the annual Gender Odyssey conference taking place August 14-17 at the WA State Convention Center (WSCC on the schedule) and numerous nearby venues.
http://www.genderodyssey.org/

RantWoman learned of this event via her local public radio station. RantWoman thinks she is supposed to be hip enough to already be on some mailing list where transgender issues would be mixed in with other life issues. RantWoman is fully prepared to embrace being nowhere near that hip and just to celebrate living in a place where the public radio station carries the announcement!

RantWoman notes all sorts of topic tracks: Families, Partners, Spirituality, Elders, Health and well-being.

RantWoman would especially enjoy the session on language and pronouns.

Maybe RantWoman will use this as an excuse to have one of her occasional hour-s long phone conversations with Amazing Artist Friend.

Maybe RantWoman will look at already too clogged schedule and stay home and do laundry. (Sigh.)

RantWoman dedicates this post particularly to:

--A young deaf woman whom Furrener Husband befriended. Young Deaf woman moved to Seattle from MT to find a more hospitable environment. The other thing that sticks in RantWoman's mind was particular interest in eating lots of salad.

--A Seattle trans teen whose visit to MT counsins and MT restrooms caused great consternation which RantWoman heard about one time from someone she went to school with

--Value Village Formal Wear Former Neighbor. As another neighbor ever so tactually put it, "she used to be a guy." The commenting neighbor also observed that Value Village Formal Wear Neighbor is much happier living as her true self. Did RantWoman mention that her true self is also hard of hearing / very low vision and that RantWoman collects LOTS of reports about misadventures involving need for interpreters.

--Mr. Suddenly Booming Voice, someone RantWoman knows from even before he started making his pronoun gender preference known at work. RantWoman had not seen Mr. Suddenly Booming Voice in quite awhile and definitely noticed the new voice at a recent meeting.

--RantWoman's suitemate at Annual Session. RantWoman peculiarly is not clear either to post a name or to make up a nom-de-blog but is pleased to report meaningful conversation about breasts and containing them and summer and sweat and also about social construction of gender, as well as about misgendering. Suitemate's father says he would be too happy to go with suitemate to Gender Odyssey but RantWoman did not think to collect an email address. Sigh.

--various other trans and genderqueer people RantWoman knows with less familiarity.

--Everyone who has ever misgendered RantWoman.

--Everyone trying to be a good ally

--Everyone to whom it has never even occured to try to be a good ally!
Just GO if you can!

Memorial walk for Rebecca scollard

Here is a calendar item for a death spoken of last First Day in Meeting for worship:

http://www.seattlebikeblog.com/ai1ec_event/memorial-walk-for-rebecca-scollard/

RantWoman takes note of additional points:

--Seattle Neighborhood Greenways is committed to organizing memorials for pedestrians and bicyclists killed on Seattle streets.

--Seattle Women in Black organizes monthly vigils to remember homeless women who have died on Seattle streets in the past month.

Yucky Topics Festival items: suicide

(This post has been composed quite some time in advance of the scheduled publication date and may or may not reflect RantWoman's state of mind as of the posting date. Okay? Writing about something? Okay? just writing about? really, okay?)

RantWoman, do you ever think about suicide?

Who hasn't?

But....

Look, okay, RantWoman has read a ton of suicide prevention literature and will be titrating content accordingly. RantWoman endured one emotional roller coaster that ended in multiple attempts and then a gunshot suicide. RantWoman also found herself on the fringes of someone's attempt to off themselves using only Tylenol, and months of emotional roller coaster after the attempt. Ultimately there was a premature death, but it was a horrible accident, not suicide. When RantWoman is poking at officially calling herself a writer, she also claims with the title license to go places in words she wants to underscore no intention of going in actions.

The two people above are some of the dead bodies who might have showed up in a RantWoman close of Annual Session worship message. The message was going to be about a year of weird anniversaries and Sudden Traumatic Death and people's hidden experiences and people's inability to think clearly either to ask questions or to offer help. This part of RantWoman's potential message rant so far has been consigned to the blogosphere. Hold its emergence elsewhere in the Light because so far some of the words coming related to Meeting Life are NOT gentle Quakerese.

So, um

Let me tell you about my building. My building is 7 stories tall. Some parts of the building, there is up to a 7-story drop, either from balconies or from window ledges. On my floor, there would be a 4-story drop. A time or two in the 8 years I have lived in my building, someone has flung themselves earthward and not survived. May they rest in peace.

Partly because of this, current building management maintains a strict "NOTHING on the balconies" policy. RantWoman considers this very unfortunate. Several summers RantWoman grew herbs and tomatoes in the glorious south exposure on the balcony across the hall.

Well, RantWoman's Chinese neighbors, RantWoman suspects, absconded with a basil plant but RantWoman forgave them outright: they have family come over every weekend and wonderful sounds and smells always fill the halls. So if a basil plant helps that happen, RantWoman is glad to contribute to the party.

As an aside, the Queen of Meow used to love to hop onto the railing and walk along it; the Queen of Spades only a handful of times has even figured how to jump up to the railing. Sigh.

The other thing RantWoman would like to do freely without trepidation: RantWoman's building has a "Do everything possible to prevent mold" policy. RantWoman from time to time MOPS HER FLOOR. Time to time sometimes means a LONG time in between. One reason: RantWoman would much prefer to dry her mop out on the balcony and prevent mold in the apartment. But for this to work best, RantWoman has to mop her floor on Friday night and dry the mop all weekend AND mark her mop a couple different ways with ownership and contact info and PLEASE DO NOT CONFISCATE indications. So RantWoman has only lost one mop and has managed to hold onto the current one for a decent while.

Okay, so...?

Enough housekeeping. Aside from impediments to doing the kinds of things one does to cut down on urges to fling themselves..., RantWoman has a time or two specifically gone downstairs to walk the breezeway or another longer route instead of just doing her morning stretches on the balcony. And RantWoman dumps this  dynamic into a simmering "How hard should I try to move? / Are there any themes I do NOT want accidentally to tip in the wrong direction?" calculus. Sigh.

Okay, is that all?

Awhile ago, someone RantWoman only knows from another person's faithfulness as a friend died in prison, convicted of murder. RantWoman would never mind being wrong about stuff like this but guessed the cause of death was suicide. RantWoman wrote a short Oh, no OW! HUGS email and called the next morning. RantWoman was grateful for the clarity to call.

Just cutting one's wrists is not an efficient way to commit suicide. Her Faithful friend said she had to pull all sorts of maneuvers in the prison library to do something that would work between the rounds of guard checks, count, etc. RantWoman is in awe of this person's desparation for release and commitment to getting there.

RantWoman had in mind only...   RantWoman thinks actually doing what RantWoman is thinking about would be GROSS. One of RantWoman's screens about getting more help would be if the thought stops seeming GROSS. RantWoman read a blog spost of someone's experience with... and really does not feel a need to go looking for more such blog posts. RantWoman also wonders if the appeal of ... is just creating something that hurts worse that whatever already hurts.

RantWoman, have you considered just getting some tatoos?
Ummmm.....

*********
In the spirit of Yucky Topics Festival, Resources:
Survivors of Suicide Support group at the Seattle Crisis Clinic
http://crisisclinic.org/find-help/survivors-of-suicide-support/
When RantWoman was visiting this resource, the support group RantWoman attended was facilitated by a brave social worker whose half-time job was reading all about suicide and facillitating suicide support groups.

Suicide Prevention:
If this had been around....
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/page/s/pledge?gclid=CPnXvf_M878CFRIcaQodMnwA2w
Lots of stuff in the search engine; just picked one link
http://www.suicidology.org/resources/nspw

Remembering Robin Williams

RantWoman has little time to go read tributes but thanks Sesame Street for this lovely picture and the simple statement "We mourn the loss of our friend Robin Williams who always made us laugh and smile."

An item from Rolling Stone:
http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/sheriffs-report-details-robin-williams-suicide-20140812

And from Russell Brand:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/12/russell-brand-robin-williams-divine-madness-broken-world?CMP=fb_gu

About Parkinson's
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/aug/14/robin-williams-parkinsons-disease

More from the Guardian
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/12/robin-williams-tragedy-understand-depression

All RantWoman has to say about Robin Williams apparent suicide is about it making life seem more precious. Love more intensely. Laugh more deeply. and pray for all the times when that is not enough. Robin Williams, you will be GREATLY missed.

A really thoughtful post that speaks WAY better than RantWoman can with a whole bunch of resources links too.
http://www.holliseaster.com/p/talking-about-suicide-robin-williams/

Monday Blessing list

Dear World

Possibly more than you ever thought of asking about RantWoman's view of the world. It's Monday morning spiritual inventory and you're getting it anyway. Cope!

Today's gratitudes.
--Further rantable material from the "adoring..." passage in recent announcement sheets: Are we worshipping silence /silencing or worshipping God?!?!?!?!

--A tangle of threads from recent Meeting for Business, Meeting for Worship, and Adult Education moments about minutes and recording clerks, indexing, the ways different ministries rise and coalesce in our Meeting, mixed in with a wealth of process nerd complexities about one recent set of minutes, pterodcactyls flying from RantWoman's mouth in Business Meeting in connection with the word confidentiality, and other generous contributions to the community spiritual compost heap. RantWoman was recently in a meeting where she brought up both a number of her points and specific requests to discuss matters at hand; that did not occur to RantWoman's satisfaction in the time available. Now   RantWoman MEANS to write several email messages to different combinations of people. Hold that in the Light.

--About the messages RantWoman would predict in Meeting for Worship this week about Gaza, Ebola particularly practical concern about support of health care workers and life insurance, and world peace in general. There were remembrances of recently departed elders, gratitude while grieving, and concern for a beloved elder currently ailing.
   Also another exciting moment of car or in this case garbage truck vs ped collision to remind RantWoman of beefs about insensitivity and llack of awareness in certain topical quarters as far as trauma in Meeting for worship, followed by something of a non-sequitur from someone on RantWoman's vocal ministry frequent flyer list. A memorial will happen at the site of the message. As a result of the message there will be at least two rather than only one Quaker there.
    The car vs ped trauma death is at an intersection RantWoman is already aware of problems about and involves a garbage truck driver who, chances are could not see a pedestrian and a pedestrian who had no traffic signals to protect her from four-way stop mess. Conveniently, the four-way stop mess is right outside the Harborview trauma ward. Hold both that point and sarcasm about that point in the Light.
   The nonsequitur part of the next message is about forgiveness as an alternative to drinking poison and hoping one's enemy will die, loving enemies and praying for those who persecute you. RantWoman could SORT OF shoehorn the love your enemies bit into the general tenor of the day, especially since Adult Religious Ed also kind of got there too. But, the garbage truck driver is no one's enemy. The traffic engineers and those who need to have (more!) conversations need to be prayed for but RantWoman would not go so far as to use the word "enemies."
  RantWoman is also tartly thinking "we are all ministers of God" when certain invitations are made at the end of worship!!!! But for better or worse, RantWoman heard a rich braid of threads for people to follow up on and did not hear anyone desparately distressed by the garbage truck death message; RantWoman will be spending her worshipful energy about the topic at the actual memorial!
  RantWoman IS, further, working with threads about email and thinking the phrase "THINK OF IT AS PRAYER, pretty weird prayer, but prayer." might really, really be on point. Hold further emergences on this theme in the Light.

--The morning view out RantWoman's windows.  The tops of glorious leafy Trees. The solid back of the Lighthouse for the Blind factory. Off in the distance, obliquely enough skyline MAYBE to provide someone with really powerful binoculars a good view into RantWoman's apartment but generally an environment inviting RantWoman to admit daily, at least for short intervals before and after shower, that there are times when she just does not care about clothing. Also known as a cheaper way to bare one's life to the heavens than the women's restrooms at the Columbia tower club in downtown Seattle. And did we mention some young Friend's getting spiritually naked thing from a couple years ago?

--The fruit flies in RantWoman's apartment. Options to compost: GOOD thing. Composting material attracting fruit flies before RantWoman gets the containers dumped? Ummmm.... True confession: RantWoman is so absurdly happy to be able to see the fruit flies that .... 
     Bear in mind,RantWoman cannot provide the facial interactions everyone feels entitled to expect. RantWoman cannot read without great difficulty along with profuse needto whine about every single difficulty associated with every single available format. But RantWoman can see the fruit flies. Good Morning World.

--Black cat hair on a white couch. Lemons falling out of the fridge onto the white floor: not so much. And we won't even talk about gravity and plastic containers!

--a few minutes to send Nature porn (if you need RantWoman to explain why it's nature porn...), post pithy political wisdom and remember Faith who says She has no faith on Facebook.
   Consider options for "Another one Bites the dust" riff not only on Faith's life including many years in dry dusty southeastern MT close in MT terms to the city where the Rant family lived but also on RantWoman's inventory of other blind people in her Meeting.
    RantWoman is MORE than Bad Friend enough  to admit that right now she feels quite blessed by an overabundance of reasons to keep saying "see, see.: about numerous fixations. But RantWoman would not mind if the "see, see: topics could show up without so many deaths  attached. Bleccch!

--Conversations with sundry other Quaker adults about kids in their lives having to find their own paths as far as Nerf weaponry. (There is an Owww/ super soaker / imaginary zebras at the dog park association tangle lurking here too but this is blog as Quaker journal model of blogging so if something is not  clear yet, TOUGH!)

--Irrepressible Nephew and his large number of groupies who all recently went on a middle school mission trip to meet and serve the homeless in Portland. Also something in slides that made peers crack up and high-five Irrepressible Nephew during the closing slide show.  A sudden infusion of auntie reserve in public as far as actually homeless relatives in the US and relatives living with who knows what all violence in Guatemala. Listening to the youth present, RantWoman thinks at least one other youth might also live closer to these topics than the rest of the Presbyterians automatically assume. But don't DAREask in public?

--Before the Middle shcool mission report back, RantMom invited RantWoman to a WONDERFUL concert by a new choral group called the Wellspring ensemble. RantWoman means to write up the concert as its own entry and to appreciate the specific choices of music. But what deeply moved both RantMom and RantWoman was how younger adults with musical experience got together to rehearse wonderful music. The energy of the whole event reminded both RantMom and RantWoman of RantDad's energy and focus around music and musical spirituality, a blessing to renew!

Now RantWoman has FAR too much to do to have spent this much time... but at least RantWoman is blessed with a somewhat clearer head!

God is God Joan Baez

Are Quakers Amish?

Memorable quip: "The Amish drive their own buggies. Quakers drive everyone buggy."

Worse Auntie would channel Rant Dad "I don't get ulcers. I give them."

But let the video speak for itself.

Daily Blog as Filing cabinet items:

Daily Blog as Filing cabinet items:

Affirmations, positive self-talk, in different language than the different daily dose of scripture items RantWoman looks at sporadically
http://www.brainchildmag.com/2014/08/learning-to-talk-to-myself-the-way-i-talk-to-my-kid/



A lovely thing particularly aimed at pagan communities but topical...
http://paganactivist.com/2014/08/07/you-might-be-a-predator-if-a-simple-guide-in-case-you-didnt-know/

An item from awhile ago about consent.
http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.com/2014/04/some-experiences-with-culture-of.html


The RantWoman spiritual compost heap will sprinkle both of the two items above into a further meditation about email. Hold that process in the Light.

Reflections on Ben Pink Dandelion Swarthmore Lecture

Quaker Problem: Leading Theologian named Pink Dandelion terrorizing the creators of all name fields and data input processes everywhere. How many possible ways are there to get it wrong?

But Never Mind. RantWoman finds Friend Pink Dandelion's writings and research fascinating. RantWoman is not quite sure how to feed it into the sausage make of her own daily faith and practice and faith into practice and practicing faith, but maybe if she reads this and finds the text of the whole lecture...

Reflections on Ben Pink Dandelion Swarthmore lecture.
http://transitionquaker.blogspot.com/2014/08/some-thoughts-on-swarthmore-lecture_6.html

Jerusalem - Joan Baez

Highly on point despite geography of current Horrors in Gaza

Dear Quaker Publishers, Ebooks Pretty please!

Dear Pendle Hill (and sundry other Quaker publishers)

 

Could you please consider distributing Pendle Hill Pamphlets in pdfs or some other kind of e-book format as well as on paper?

 

RantWoman's meeting is organizing the upcoming Quarterly Meeting. We want people to read a Pendle Hill pamphlet as part of their preparation. Even though the website is kind of clunky, according to even other people besides RantWoman, we think someone can figure out ordering printed copies.

 But RantWoman does not want more paper to scrape eyeballs over, with our without magnification options. No. RantWoman craves simplicity. RantWoman would most like to find a link for an electronic version, step through use of a credit card, click a final authorization, and send an electronic copy into a device and have the document read aloud to her AND / OR have some choices about text size if she decides she does want to look at some visual rendition of the text. RantWoman is aware of numerous moral ambivalences embodied in these preferences. Tough.

 

(RantWoman notes that various recorded reading options might also be on point. RantWoman does not want to have to invent that wheel though.)

 And instead, in case anyone thinks RantWoman’s life is not already full enough of vexation and opportunities to lurch along toward spiritual perfection, here is a brief outline of RantWoman’s efforts so far:

 I could order. Website is a pain. Someone else gets to do.

 It's in paper. I want to apply screen reader.

 Oh look a scanned version, in email, from someone who already has the pamphlet! Look, RantWoman is telling you she is WILLING to pay for content, but if the scanned version will do the trick…

 Download file from email.

 

Apply screen reader.

 

Open file. Learn that need spiffy new OCR function only available in most current upgrades of screen reader software.

 

Use screen reader to read screen reader program help files to figure out what keyboard encantations are needed to use new OCR Optical Character Recognition feature which RantWoman has not used very much.

 

Insert + SpaceBar O W

 

Read help files to figure out whether it is possible to select and copy text. Oops. Lost patience with that for now.

 

Try my own scan on devices in my office. But where are the drivers and such needed to OCR the output?

 

Print and scan on OCR combo printer

 Email images to self to see whether OCR happened..

 

Still no OCR. Back to getting it from the screen reader OCR. Sure. Not today. Unplug. Get a life. At least feed the cat.

 

Oh heck. Save printed pages in case RantWoman does decide actually to scrape eyeballs ofver paper and go nuts scribbling notes in sharpie on the back.

 

Or see how much RantWoman absorbs from everyone else’s digesting.

 

Or….

 Go feed the cat!

Psychic pulse-taking: reading choices

RantWoman offers the following items from her daily media diets as a sort of psychic pulse-taking and free association exercise. RantWoman did the first NLLS download before Annual Session, wrote the blog post a short spell after Annual Session, and is clear to schedule posting a few days hence. So the material here may or may not reflect RantWoman's psychic state at time of posting.

1. RantWoman just got one of the new Digital Talking Book readers from the National Library Service for the Blind and Physically Handicapped. In WA start at www.wtbbl.org  for more info. Key attractions: both books read by real humans AND the ability to control the playback speed so that it will not take 9 hours to read a whole medium-sized book. The device is also just a KICK designwise. One of these days RantWoman will go looking for a picture. In the meantime, cope.
One night after the device arrived in the mail, RantWoman sat down at the NEW computer (urk!) and tried to download books.

Since the first download, RantWoman has had another much more lovely session. Okay RantWoman was downloading memorial reading of Nadine Gordimer and Margo Adler

But the first time, did RantWoman mess around just in English? NO!
--First, RantWoman looked to see what served up in Russian: The Devils and The adolescent, by Dostoevsky. Um, NO!

--Spanish? Something RantWoman does not remember and Kafka, Metamorfosis y otros relatos. Sure. Why not. The voice is GREAT, but maybe another time with the Kafka.

--English: who to search for...Jon Krakauer, hmm, people falling down mountains or Mormons. RantWoman does not really want to read about people falling down mountains which leaves....Under the Banner of Heaven, for RantWoman's purposes also knowns as Quakers are really a little weird right now, but they've got NOTHING on the Mormons. What a thought!
Apparently, RantWoman WAS supposed to start from there: RantWoman fully intended to search for something cheerier but fell asleep before getting to it.


2. RantWoman is really grateful now both to be reading the NAdine Gordimer essays and to have scraped her eyeballs over the large print edition of Talking Book topics to highlight a bunch of things on a Maybe want to read list and MAYBE even one or two on an actually will get read list.

3. Somehow while trying to find the Not Amish QuakerSpeak video, Youtube decided to offer this one to RantWoman. RantWoman has NOT watched the whole video. Perhaps the title and a few moments at the beginning will be sufficient for others as well.

.

Mind-altering substances: worshipfully and otherwise

RantWoman is glad her body is safely home from Annual Session but is not so sure her mind has completely made the trip. Plus RantWoman always travels with the queries what am I bringing along and what am I bringing back?

As a point of departure consider closing worship.

Give oneself the option of stopping NOW and just holding in the Light.

If you are brave enough to continue...

Closing worship at #NPYM2014 was a wild ride.
1. A young adult Friend opened resolutely:" dear parental generation. Things WILL be different. They just will. God will be there, and things WILL be different. Okay RantWoman is maybe not transmitting 100%  accurately. For instance RantWoman is pretty sure global warming wandered into the message somewhere. But RantWoman definitely got the WILL BE DIFFERENT part.

2. RantWoman is aware of conversations and emotional upheavals about addiction both during and after Annual Session. Odd form of communion, that.

3. At closing worship, there were MANY references to mind-altering substances, pharmaceutical and otherwise, addiction, experimentation, self-medication. There were other strands of messages but they have receded behind the label "Buckets and buckets of popcorn." RantWoman THINKS it is well that messages on her heart are not quite ripe to make it out of her mouth in worship. But RantWoman IS clear to leave this post in the tangled state it is emerging from her fingers as well.

RantWoman did tell the presiding clerk that if worship had gone on one second longer, several dead bodies and some horses and zebras were going to show up too.

--The dead bodies are lots of RantWoman loved ones' death anniversaries in the month, and some big year anniversaries. Two of them had already shown up somewhere in worship at Annual Session, Bonnie Tinker and Mr. Nasturtiums in Salad Friend, the timid voice who first persuaded RantWoman to sign up for something from the Quaker roster and then had the misfortune to decamp to other realms on RantWoman's birthday. Sigh. To the extent that love is an addiction and one relapses from one's coping mechanisms for different reasons, RantWoman could PROBABLY fit the dead bodies into the meme of the day but for now is clear to relegate to the blogosphere.

--Likewise the horses and zebras. The basic point: RantWoman spends a lot of time around lots of zebras in her life. RantWoman also sees badly, and hit a 10-year-anniversary for seeing especially badly due to DNA lotto and midlife vision meltdown.  Even if something really is just a horse, there is a decent chance RantWoman will be finding its inner zebra. Hold that problem in the Light.

Also hold the language problem in the Light: the horses and zebras showed up when RantWoman is not under the influence of anything but her daily blood pressure meds. But readers are forgiven for wondering what the hell RantWoman is talking about.  RantWoman is not going to try to precisely specify where the quote she has in mind came from. It's about looking at horses and seeing zebras.

But back to shared mind-altering in worship. One Friend spoke of abstaining from alcohol because that is safest for a brother who has a problem with it. At one point RantWoman's mind wandered away from a long and naturally uncentered message featuring both pharmaceuticals and psychedelic self-medicating. When RantWoman's mind wandered back after a message of considerable length, much of the room was standing and the Friend with the long message finally subsided.
And RantWoman is feeling blunt:

Earth to RantWoman: you know how you recently suggested that someone who shares DNA with someone who benefits from pharmaceuticals might also benefit. Um, have you considered taking your own advice?

Earth to RantWoman: Consider your siblings. Consider how many times you exclaim, "Would someone please prescribe (RantMom) valium on my behalf?" How is it possible you have evaded ... so far...? Have you ever considered that maybe possibly....?

Um, have I considered...? Self-medicating has NO appeal; RantWoman has more than sufficient experience...; most of the time even alcohol just puts RantWoman to sleep.
RantWoman has nothing to say, not even any fresh email about RantBrother who RantWoman HOPES is still maintaining comparatively recently-found sobriety.. He appears to be alive and working and recently phoning RantMom from MT, but ...Sigh.

RantWoman definitely has a big giant "I am way better off than Little sister" thing going on. Little Sister takes a whole terminologically mind-boggling pharmacy of long-acting, short-acting, anti-anxiety, antidepressant, muscle-relaxing, anti-inflammatory and RantWoman has no clue what all else chemistry. RantWoman is, perhaps understandably, terrified of winding up in the same boat.

Even RantWoman and needed pain meds is a zone of trepidation, though a time or two when RantWoman has gotten the directions right or made strategic decisions even about over the counter options, RantWoman has felt MUCH better. Sigh.

RantWoman can definitely attest that, after a years-long schlep to get there,  appropriate use of pharmaceuticals means Little Sister's life is way more functional than without pharmaceuticals; RantWoman also notes the motivating and even insisting help from RantMom and Brother-in-Law. 

By "more functional," RantWoman means for instance the following: recently Little sister unintentionally conducted one of her endless gravity revalidation experiments. The latest one involved old wheelchair, failing seatbelt, gravity, the sidewalk near a bus stop, lots and lots of soft tissue damage and yet more distress for an already distressed body. And RantWoman will TRY not to digress about collecting data among all the zebras around her about long, long, hassle-prone efforts to replace totally worn out wheelchairs.

Little Sister wound up spending several days in the hospital, with discharge and extra dollops of chatter about delivery of long-delayed new wheelchair and hospital bed issues brilliantly timed also to take up RantWoman's birthday! Reflecting now, though,  RantWoman thinks it is remarkable how lucid and grounded Little Sister was most of the time. RantWoman considers it important that at one key point Little Sister's version of her status and issues lined up VERY well with what RantMom said. Sometimes this has not been the case. Blame the drugs?
So far, here is RantWoman's Light on the issue of medication for herself:
RantWoman has considered one category of such chemical help. Someone asked RantWoman whether she has a diagnosis; if anyone is to get paid for the mental health services RantWoman is getting, RantWoman has to have a diagnosis and is guessing what it is.The first category of chemical help would be consistent with that diagnosis.  RantWoman has to be careful because of compatibility issues with absolutely necessary eye meds. SO FAR, RantWoman manages stress with lots of walking and exercise, regular worship, vast capacity to pray at all hours and in all circumstances on the bus, occasional infusions of music and even pipe orgrans, never mind that God clearly did not talk to George Fox through pipe organs. In other words,RantWoman still has not gotten clear to research in more detail.
In the shoe store of common reasons for mind altering prescriptions, RantWoman has been mentally testing two other diagnosis options. By testing, RantWoman means kind of like shoes, testing against the compost heap in her head. RantWoman has a sense of needing to pay better attention to what her body is doing and feeling at certain points. RantWoman in meditating about the what is body doing issue realized that supplying mental health practitioner data would be on point. Still neither of the labels tested seem to RantWoman anything like a clear fit.
But RantWoman continues to massage the question, to talk to people she knows have experience with such help, and to pray. Especially Pray. And do morning stretches. And try to figure out a space for yoga and ....
Sooner or later, RantWoman's briain also better get back to town. Sigh.

Friends 1, 2, 3

Dear Friends 1, 2, 3

 RantWoman wants to thank you for your offer of time in the current difficulties. RantWoman wants to thank you, AND RantWoman is seasoning whether she needs to be true to her Light about people wearing too many hats and to say “Thank you but no thanks” or “no thanks in the form proposed.”

 RantWoman realizes that she is reconsidering something she previously said Yes to. And RantWoman is to be true to her Light and requests that         all hold the situation in the Light.

 

Friend 1

1. Thank you for the queries for the upcoming meeting. RantWoman is likely to prepare written responses to some items and is unclear that all responses will be appropriate for this blog. RantWoman needs to request clarification. RantWoman also needs to request that we adjust our process. See below.
 

2. You have another major role in our Meeting and RantWoman has prioritized a need related to that role over expecting very much out of you in your role on Care and Counsel.

 

3. When RantWoman raised a a concern in Meeting for Business about multiple Friends both wearing too many hats and repeatedly refusing offers of help, you not only were glib about your own capacity, you spoke of assumptions about others. RantWoman is NOT asking you to speak for others. In fact, RantWoman was objecting to one nomination both because of the appointing himself to wear too many hats issue and because that Friend had not taken any time to respond to RantWoman’s question either before or after the Meeting for Business in question. If that Friend cannot respond himself, how on earth can you presume to speak for him?  
 

4. You have commented two different years in Business Meeting when matters to do with RantWoman have come up. RantWoman hears these comments as “I don’t really know what is going on and I do not really know what RantWoman has gone out of her mind, (and I have not really talked to RantWoman either) but I think we should steamroll ahead anyway. It is possible this track record is the best Care and Counsel can do in its present form, but can you possibly imagine how this history might not be the best footing for a conversation about RantWoman and trust in Meeting?

5. Your queries talk about some months when RantWoman is more agitated than other months. Is it possible that some months Meeting for Business more completely discerns the will of God? RantWoman suggests we identify the months and topics associated with agitation and review minutes and other circumstances and see where we are lead from there.

 

Friend 2                               
1. You have just accepted a major Yearly Meeting role. RantWoman admires and respects you deeply and must be true to her Light about people wearing too many hats.

2. You are the subject of RantWoman’s “How do you prefer to be eldered? Posting. RantWoman recognizes that one point of community is for people to share work when people are allergic or challenged for time or….

3. RantWoman has REPEATEDLY encouraged you to STOP FILTERING and please facilitate people talking to RantWoman directly. RantWoman reminds you that she cannot read minds. She cannot read faces. RamtWoman realizes it sounds incredible, but RantWoman's capacity to miss communications is ENORMOUS. RantWoman apologizes for this problem but cannot necessarily fix it. Even if everyone says the same thing, RantWoman can interact much better with the intensity of complaints simply by hearing them in people’s own words. RantWoman also values individual conversations because they frequently come with information or digressions that allow room for improved connection even if nothing can happen immediately—or at all—on other concerns.

 

Friend 3

1. RantWoman cannot work with your schedule being the most important constraint in the selection of dates for meetings. RantWoman realizes it is presumptious to expect input for herself upstream in scheduling meetings, and RantWoman is VERY clear to do so.
 
2. RantWoman tartly notes that deferring to your schedule sends two messages RantWoman thinks neither of us want to send. First, there is the message that you are the only person who can solve whatever problem we are working with. Considering all your other involvements, RantWoman repeats her suggestion that you consider whether this one really is yours to help solve. Second,  RantWoman has problems all the time, not just when you are available to address them . RantWoman is wondering how we can get to a process that identifies a few simple principles that LOTS of people know rather than placing ANYONE in any kind of a gatekeeper role.

 

3. RantWoman appreciates that you at least GET language about disability when RantWoman uses it around Meeting; RantWoman is still clear that it is important to hear back that others get that language too and is unclear what kind of process would lead there.

4. RantWoman has eldered you more than once about circumstances where you as a person without an obvious disability make decisions based on your preferences, not on realities or preferences of people with disabilities. Again, noting this problem may be the best anyone can do for now, but it is still a problem.

 

May we all please hold these concerns in the Light and talk further.

 In hope and care

 RantWoman